How To Get Feedback
One of the most powerful lessons I’ve learned came from my beloved meditation teacher, Thea Strozer. She once said, “If someone humiliates you, thank them.” At first, this might sound counterintuitive—why thank someone for hurting you? But her reasoning is profound: the “you” being humiliated is just an ego construct, an idea of yourself that you’re holding onto too tightly.
When someone punctures that idea, it hurts because you believe that “you” is static, separate, and unchanging. But the truth is, that rigid sense of self is an illusion. When you let it go, when you soften around it, life begins to flow more easily. And that’s where real growth and connection happen.
The Challenge of Receiving Feedback
I bring up this lesson because it has reshaped how I think about feedback. In life, we inevitably receive feedback—from evaluations at work, comments on creative projects, or even casual remarks from friends and loved ones. For much of my life (and still, if I’m honest), I hated getting feedback.
Why? Because even when the feedback includes kind words, my mind tends to latch onto the negative. The constructive criticism—or even just mildly painful comments—seem to reinforce an old, deeply ingrained belief: I’m bad. I don’t belong. I’m unworthy.
That voice is tender and raw, and any criticism feels like salt in the wound. But Thea’s wisdom offers an alternative perspective.
Feedback as a Flowing River
What if we saw feedback not as an attack, but as a way to break up the ego’s rigid hold on us? Imagine yourself as a river, flowing freely. Feedback—especially constructive criticism—can be like the water breaking up clumps of mud, solid rocks, and debris that block the river’s natural flow.
When feedback points out areas for improvement—“You weren’t as skillful here” or “You could approach this differently”—it’s not about your worthiness as a person. Instead, it’s an opportunity to let go of the ego’s grip, realign with your higher self, and open yourself to growth.
When I use this metaphor, feedback feels less threatening. Instead of bracing myself against it, I can allow it to flow through me, to teach me, and to help me grow.
Navigating “Unhelpful” Feedback
Of course, not all feedback is helpful or valid. Sometimes, people project their own insecurities or frustrations onto us. In those moments, how do you decide whether to take feedback to heart or let it go?
Here’s a simple process:
Does it resonate?
Ask yourself: Is there truth in this feedback? If yes, let it guide you. Use the river metaphor to help break up any ego blocks and realign yourself.Not sure?
Sit with it. Don’t dismiss it outright, but don’t let it consume you either. Be brave enough to reflect and determine whether there’s something valuable to learn.If it doesn’t resonate:
Let it go. Imagine the feedback floating down the river, past you. If it doesn’t stick, it doesn’t need to disrupt your flow.
The Buddha’s Lesson on Projection
I once heard a story—though I haven’t found it written anywhere—about the Buddha walking through a town when someone ran up to him and spat on him. His followers were outraged, asking what they should do. But the Buddha, calmly wiping his face, said, “They’re just polishing the mirror.”
Sometimes, people project their anger, frustration, or pain onto you. They’re reacting to their own reflection in the “mirror” you hold up to them. In those moments, it’s not about you. It’s about them.
A New Way to Embrace Feedback
Feedback, whether constructive or misplaced, doesn’t have to threaten your sense of self. By seeing it as an opportunity to soften your ego or simply let go, you can approach feedback with curiosity, grace, and resilience.
So, next time someone offers you feedback, take a breath. Ask yourself whether it resonates, and then decide how to integrate—or release—it. And remember, whether it’s a lesson or just someone “polishing the mirror,” it’s all part of the flow of life.
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